A View on Civility

Originally, my vision of this blog was to share some of the experiences between a grandfather and his grandchildren. Lately though, I find that I am being drawn to subjects much different from the exploits of those wonderful growing children. Maybe it is the recognition of the march of time. Or perhaps the need to simply find an avenue to release thoughts and ideas that have been bouncing around in my head.

Believe me....there continues to be plenty of "fodder" for stories about the grandkids in the future.

This brings me to the nature of civility, an oft discussed subject today, not only in print and broadcast news, but in every day conversation. Though "conversation" seems to be taking on an entirely different meaning. Merriam-Webster's defines "conversation" as an oral exchange of sentiments, observations, or ideas. This implies a simple stating of one's thoughts to another. Civility is defined as formal politeness and courtesy of behavior and speech. It is all too apparent that being civil is becoming less intentioned in our everyday lives. We come face to face frequently with situations where people are rude and disrespectful towards one another. It's as if we don't see a real person with feelings and a brain in our "one-way"interactions. And I think, if we are all honest with ourselves, too often we are among those acting disgracefully to those around us, either through actions or inactions.

We have become too accustomed to confrontations rather than discussions, be it about race, gender, ethnicity, religion, politics or just driving in our cars. We have forgotten about how to listen. And perhaps sometimes we just don't care about the experiences and views of others. There seems to be no desire to try and understand other opinions - only the need to shove our own ideas down someone's throat because we feel theirs are probably ignorant, vile or even treasonous. Hate has become pervasive in us all. Yes, all of us, if we look hard enough.

How has this come to pass? Haven't we learned from history? Have we become that insecure that we have to bully others thinking they will" come along" to our side eventually?

It's not like this lack of decency is a new phenomenon. The early years of the union were particularly rife with bitterness and violence but this is not surprising given the enormity of the founders task. And we can find dissent, debate and discord in every era of our history since. These are all good things - dissent, debate and discord. They enable us to grow. Challenging the status quo, providing different opinions and new ideas is what makes a democracy great. And America is great. It has always been "great" because of these basic tenets. It's not that we need to "make America great again" as some have naively pushed in a slogan. You can argue it has not always been good and certainly not good for everyone for many reasons but that is human nature, not because we don't have the foundation where everyone can succeed and thrive. We need to continue to work at making things better for all.  But we need to do this with respect and decency in the way we deal with each other.

The one thing that is different about dissent and debate now than in previous generations is the advent of the internet. It adds anonymity and the ability to comment at will, hiding behind a cyber wall which allows people to say things they may not say face to face, to call people names, to bash others' views in the most vitriolic way without providing any rationale opposing opinion at all. There is no intent to debate, only to debase. It usually just fans the flames of hate. Your are wrong and I am right. We must all reconsider our response to such matters when it comes to social media. It serves no purpose other than voicing an opinion or condemning another's. Little conversation - listening and understanding - is accomplished. It is better left unsaid in this venue. And, again, while the platform to act this way has been in place for a number of years, never have we seen this so utilized in such a vile manner than the current sitting President. I am not talking about political platforms, political parties or political strategies. That is not my concern here. Each of us has the right to formulate our own opinion of government. My concern is basic common decency and respect for others that we all should have or at least strive for daily. I admit it can be a struggle sometimes to always do, say and think the right thing. But for the leader of the United States to display on a daily basis an eighth grade mentality to dealing with people he doesn't agree with is unacceptable to me and it should be to everyone.

The core of Christianity is the Golden Rule - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This is also found in other religions. The Jewish faith belief is similar to the Christian one.
Buddhism - Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.
Hinduism - This is the sum of the duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you.
Islam - while there is nothing similar in the Qur'an, in the Hadiths written by Muhammad it says, None of you (truly) believes until he wishes for his brother that he wishes for himself.

I read somewhere that the millennials are quite different from baby boomers ( to which I belong) in that the feel more of an urge to homogenize, that is to celebrate ties that bind rather than the differences that splinter. I recognize that this is a generalization but i find that view of relationships consistent with the Golden Rule.

Recently, the celebrations of Senator John McCain's life so beautifully about the right way to handle differences of opinion. He strongly felt that one's views should be offered with a greater good in mind and not for self-aggrandizement. One of the quotes from his services referenced a passage from his favorite book, "For Whom the Bell Tolls":

"Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days      that ever come can depend on what you do today."

This not only applies to those in power but to each of us every day.

As this all relates to my original vision of this blog, kids model their behavior on what they see from parents, grandparents, teachers and other adults. They should see us as having the ability to disagree without demonizing, debate without demeaning and discuss without degrading. Be civil to one another no matter what their views. Temper our concerns and disagreements with consideration to others who may have a different context or life experience that shape their opinion. Deep down most of us are more alike than different and those similarities should be treasured and the differences should be respected.


P.S. I came across an organization (Better-Angels.org) that is a national citizen's movement to reduce political polarization in the US by bringing liberals and conservatives together to understand each other beyond stereotypes, forming red/blue community alliances, teaching practical skills in communicating across political differences and making a strong argument for decreasing polarization.
A wonderful idea if enough of us join and participate. It is so critical that we take this step in today's climate.

You Really Got Me - Part 2 - Discovery

"You Really Got Me" (Part 1) was originally posted in this blog on August 24, 2014. I wrote it after reading an article about people who are apathetic towards music, a notion that completely escapes me. My focus was on music that spoke to me not only upon hearing it the first time, but that continues to bring me joy again and again no matter how much time has past.

So many songs of my youth bring back memories of the time - people and places - that have become a part of who I am. Those "oldies but goodies" seem to rekindle a longing for times past. In the words of Mary Hopkins' 1968 hit:

"Those were the days my friend,
we thought they'd never end,
we'd sing and dance forever and a day.
We'd live the life we choose
we'd fight and never lose
those were the days,
oh yes, those were the days."

The older we get the more often our thoughts drift to "those days". And not just about the music,  but about life in general - the friendships, loves and possibilities - oh those years ago. Beyond that informative time, I have found more music that has produced an almost galvanic effect on my being, some of those songs were also listed in the earlier blog.

Unlike many of my generation, I enjoy tuning in to the sounds of today's music on Sirius/XM and YouTube. And while much of the music may be catchy for a week or two, they are played so frequently they quickly go into the music recycling bin. Endurance or longevity may not be the strong suit of much of today's music but then who am I to say. In 30-40 years, Arcade Fire, Mumford & Sons or The National could be the Millennial's answer to the Beatles, The Who or The Rolling Stones.

But I have found to my utter joy,  that there is music I somehow missed over the years. I just finished reading the book "The Show That Never Ends: The Rise and Fall of Prog Rock" by David Weigel. I have always been a fan of prog rock music - King Crimson: Pink Floyd; Yes; Procol Harum; The Moody Blues; Alan Parsons Project; Emerson, Lake and Palmer and more recently, Coheed and Cambria.

One of the groups referenced in Mr. Weigel's book was Porcupine Tree, founded by Steven Wilson in England in 1987. I had never heard of the band or Mr. Wilson, so my curiosity drove me to YouTube to listen to some tracks. I was blown away with the vision, artistry and creative nature of their music. Steven Wilson once said he was bored with what was familiar. It is evident everywhere in his song book. The music never predicts where it is going. The style is ranges from rock, to synth/moog based, to heavy metal to ballads, to jazz fusion, to new age and others. Listening to each album took me on a new journey. It's like riding Space Mountain at Disney World, speeding through twists and turns, ups and downs in the dark, no knowing where you are, and more importantly, where you are going. That is what gives me the most joy in music - not knowing the destination, but being immersed in the journey.

I always find my way back to the music that I can listen to over and over - They Byrds, Van Morrison, Yes, AC/DC, Bruce Hornsby, Dire Straits/Mark Knopfler, Jackson Brown, Loreena McKenneitt, Bruce Cockburn and Fleetwood Mac.

But I am also constantly on the watch for the next Porcupine Tree.


P.S. That would be "The War on Drugs". Take a listen.

Party Sentinels

One was purple. Another orange. And teal. Rose too. And a yellow one. Also sky blue. And last, but not least, green. 

7 helium-filled balloons hugging the ceiling in the birthday girl’s apartment. It was as if they were bidding us welcome to the festivities - with ribbons dangling just out of reach of all in attendance. They hovered, quietly. Was YELLOW listening in on the conversations between old friends or maybe wondering how the new guests would fit into the group? Was GREEN   drawn to the array of cheeses, crackers, meatballs and vegetable trays covering the sculptured wooden table. I could have sworn it had inched it's way from the center of the room closer to the buffet as the goodies began to disappear.

Guests left, one by one, until the host and her old friends remained, cleaning up, nibbling on the leftovers, enjoying a last glass of wine reminiscing on the evenings’ conversations, gifts received and well wishes. 

Lights off. Tucked in bed. Quiet returns. Forced air gently wafts along the walls and around corners. Ribbons flutter as if trying to wake the sleeping latex orbs from their slumber. 

Rousted by the smell of morning coffee, we emerge from our walled cocoon to greet the day and a good friend. Only to be welcomed first by GREEN bobbing waist high outside our door. After returning the greeting we ambled our way to the kitchen for our caffeine fix. 

It was then we realized that the balloons were no longer symmetrically positioned on the ceiling. Five remained, somewhat scattered about - PURPLE, ORANGE, SKY BLUE, YELLOW, TEAL - as if directing the movements of those that had fallen. Or perhaps reluctant to mix with the ex-party goers randomly traveling below. 

ROSE, tired from it’s lofty vigil, was resting on the cool white cushion at the arm of the sofa. Only our host was willing to share the space. ROSE did not shy away but sat unmoved. Riveted by our dialogue? Rapt with the morning talk shows on the TV? Perhaps just a party survivor with a hangover. 

The sun arced across the sky and night fell without anyone there to monitor their movements, to catch them leaving the comfort of their scenic layer of warmth. No one to consider the disappointment of those still caressing the ceiling, towards their companions either no longer able to match their will power or flawed by their makers’ haste in providing them with sufficient fuel to function.

The party people returned to their home as the day was coming to a close. The door is unlatched and pushed inward. The entry light switch is toggled up just in time to see GREEN backing away from the swoosh of the entry. Welcoming us back like we had been missed. We laughed not ready to believe latex is capable of feeling loss. Or could it? 

Also imagine our surprise to see ORANGE pressed between the window pane and the Christmas cactus. Did it decide to descend to catch a glimpse of the sun setting over the mountains?

We looked upward and only YELLOW and SKY BLUE remained at their lofty perch. It appeared that they had yet to move one inch. 

PURPLE and TEAL had decided to join us. Tired from their party responsibilities? In defiance of the guarantee provided by their maker? Were they looking for GREEN, ROSE and ORANGE? Had they missed them? Had they grown tired of the resolve of YELLOW and BLUE SKY to remain at their post?

We saw PURPLE first. It was not hard to miss in the middle of the great room. I think it liked how it’’s color paired with the lush tan carpet. Like a chenin blanc and jarlsberg wedge. 

It took us awhile to find TEAL. It was cowering under the table in the corner. Silent, motionless hoping to avoid detection. From us? From its’ fellow bladders? 

Our rainbow of friends settled in over and around us as we went about our daily activities. Some were satisfied with where they were. ORANGE loved the sunsets and TEAL felt comfort in its’ cave. GREEN seemed to follow us around  like a new puppy. After awhile we didn't give it a second thought. 

ROSE and PURPLE bonded and remained close until PURPLE woke to ROSE in a rubbery puddle half under the couch. With great sadness, PURPLE followed within hours. 

ORANGE dropped below the window’s edge as if bored with the twilight. Nuzzling with the cactus seemed like a good idea until a thorny finger penetrated it’s skin and it slowly flowed into and clung to its’ branches. 

TEAL gave in to loneliness and wasted away in the shadows until we gathered it up and solemnly bade it adieu in the bladder boot hill. 

GREEN, with the longest life span at the lower level succumbed later that day below the kitchen counter as if in a last digit effort to get fed and stay afloat. 

Still YELLOW and BLUE SKY remained steadfast mourning their fellow frippery. Did they have an awareness of their imminent  descent and deflation? Did YELLOW believe  like the sun that it would remain overhead for eons? Did SKY BLUE believe it was meant to accompany YELLOW for eternity? 

With some sadness we said good bye to our friend. And also with a reverential glance at the remaining party patrol. 

PS - Apparently ORANGE doesn't like it's picture taken.

Santa Looks Like a Chef

Once again the holiday season is over. The house looks bare. Each room lacking the reds and greens that adorned the walls, mantle, shelves, archways and staircases. The balsam fir from the family room  is now lying on its side by the roadway waiting to be taken away and discarded with others to be ground up and returned to the soil. It's ornaments reluctantly removed, now neatly arrayed in boxes and stored out of sight until the chill of winter returns. We are back in the time after. A bit melancholy, but enriched, hopeful and with indelible memories of what we are so fortunate to have. Which leads me to the wondrous and fascinating minds of children particularly at this time of year. One such occasion in particular comes to mind.

Slime (aka Batman, aka Ball Boy) is now just over 4 3/4. He will make sure you know that he is no longer 4 1/2. And Slime? Well, that is a story for another time and place.
Slime and I were having lunch at our grandsons' favorite burger place right before Christmas. He and his brother, Hank, (aka Superman, now 7, also another story) love their cheese curds and probably have them once a week. Isn't it fun being a grandparent! Anyway, Slime and I (Hank was still in school) were ordering our cheese curds and grilled cheese when what to our wondering eyes should appear....Santa stood behind the counter distributing food orders. Hmmmm....very interesting. Slime never took his eyes off Santa. We found a table and were waiting for our food. Santa walked by, stopped, and asked Slime if he was a good boy this year. He nodded with a great deal of confidence. He then looked at me and said, "I won't even ask you..." (wink, wink). I smiled and he strolled off to visit another table of hungry kids.

After we got our food, Santa re-appeared, across the room carrying a tray of burgers, fries and shakes.     Slime noticed and said perfectly serious, "Papa, Santa looks like a chef".

Of course, Santa at a fast food restaurant would look like a chef. I could not disagree with Slime.  Not only does he still believe in Santa but he also seems to believe that Santa is perfectly capable of taking on other responsibilities when he is not in the toy shop or delivering presents. Does he think the man behind the beard at the mall sells splat balls in one of the kiosks when he is not sitting in his "North Pole" chair? Is the guy in the red suit in front of the grocery store bagging groceries when his shift is up? And then there are all the others "dressed up" like Santa - parents, grandparents, aunt, uncles, friends and those wanting to share their blessings with those less fortunate. Turns out Santa ends up being very good at multi-tasking.

And, in keeping with the season Slime gave me one of his cheese curds..... one!

It was delicious.

A Child's Perspective

Life takes it’s twists and turns, it’s ups and downs. The road, if we are lucky, is long. And even if it is not, it can be glorious. 

For children the highs and lows can occur hourly. I am imagining many parents nodding their heads in agreement. The good thing - the lows (tantrums, surly looks and pouting) are usually short-lived. I really have come to believe there is a button somewhere that the child presses to turn it on (to see how we deal with it) and then turn it back off (to make us feel like we really knew how to “handle” the situation). 

Ever wonder who’s running things? 

Ok there is no button. We “just” need patience and kindness to wait them out. As I have said occasionally here, more often than not, they have the upper hand when it comes to patience at least when it comes to me. They bounce back so quickly. If i could just capture that in a bottle. 

Which is why I focus on the times that just make me smile or laugh out loud and wish I could still see through their eyes. The wonder of it all. Now usually this takes place when something new enters into their life’s experience. It could be a sound, a flavor, a smell a feeling from within or a visual that they cannot compare to anything they have experienced in their few years on this planet. 

This summer we were at a water park with Superman and Batman (aka Ball Boy) for the first time. Batman, now 3 1/2, is a bundle of enthusiasm. He usually is ready to jump into anything with both feet, eager for a new adventure. We took him into the toddler wading pool which had a small slide in the middle. His first time down the slide he came sloshing over and said with this giddy look on his face - “That was amaaaazing!” Back up he went.  Superman, being the older brother, wanted to go on the “super” water slides, of course. After climbing all the way to the top of the tower I was prepared to ride down with him but the operator said he had to go by himself. Off he went without hesitation, winding his way down several turns to the bottom and then dumped in 4 feet of water. His response after emerging, with a huge grin - “That was fun!”. 15 times later he had finally had enough. They couldn’t wait to go back. 

Recently, the boys took their first airplane ride. How would 5 1/2 and 3 1/2 year old boys handle all the waiting - cab ride to the airport, checking baggage, going through security, waiting at the gate, waiting on the tarmac while they found a replacement part (yikes) and 4 hours in seat belts and no wifi?! Well as it turned out, they did very well… on both ends of the trip. And memorable (for good reasons) for the other adults around them. Batman was particularly vocal about his experience. As we waited to take off on the first leg he just had to yell out so that all could hear - “When are we going to blast off?” A future astronaut? And on the return trip, after the plane slammed on the breaks during the landing, he giggled with glee - “Can we do that again?” Gave us all a chuckle.

It gives us all a glimpse again of the pure joy through a child’s eyes of just how magical this life can be. I’ll have another half full glass of what they are drinking, please. 

Mother's Day

The cynic in me could say it’s just another opportunity for Hallmark to make a bundle! In addition to all the popular holidays, there are cards for Friendship Day, Admin/Professionals Day, National Teacher’s Day, Sweetest Day, Grandparents Day and Nurses Day just to name a few. I admit I am partial to Nurses, Teachers and Grandparents days but, really, that should be a 365 days a year thing. You don’t really need a card to appreciate all that these people do for us. I am a little miffed that there is nothing for customer service reps, toll both operators, fast food drive thru window staff or geek squad members but give it time. Hallmark’s back room is feverishly working to come up with the next big day. Can’t you just envision giving a beautiful “personal” greeting card to the person handing you a Big Mac! (Free fries next visit, maybe?)

But Mother’s Day has been around for over 100 years. It’s a holiday known for brunches, gifts, cards, flowers and outpourings of love and appreciation but it has somber roots. It was originally founded to recognize women mourning fallen soldiers. It’s greatest champion was Ann Reeves Jarvis of West Virginia whom shaped it’s evolution to celebrate the best mother one had ever known, as a son or a daughter. To her, it was Mother’s Day (singular) rather than Mothers’ Day (pleural). It wasn’t meant to celebrate all those in her life that were mothers. But her idea of an intimate mother’s day quickly became a commercial gold mine centering on buying flowers, candy and greeting cards. This disturbed her deeply and she fought this trend for the rest of her life. Hallmark created it’s first Mother’s Day card in the early 1920s. 

In looking through a myriad of Hallmark Mother’s Day cards, the conventional and the unusual, I couldn’t resist sharing this one:

Front of Card 

I’m not a stripper.

I’m not in prison.

Inside Card

Nice work Mom!

Happy Mother’s Day

My life has been blessed being around strong women who have also been wonderful mothers. In keeping with Ann Reeves Jarvis’ bias, I am bound to offer my gratitude, tribute and love to my mother - the mother I know the best. She is 92 years of age and her mind is sharper than mine will ever be. Yes, “mother time” marches on and has taken it’s toll physically to some extent but she is remarkable nonetheless. She exists, and has always existed, with her hands outstretched, not to seek anything but to look for ways in which she can help others. She is the most selfless person I know. A testimony to her mother (and father) and her midwest, small town upbringing. She believes in the core values of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control and has lived her life accordingly. I have been a lucky son (as have been both my brothers) and she deserves to know just how much she is loved and appreciated every day.

Thanks Mom. Nice work!

You are the best. 

Happy Mother’s Day!

**Historical information on Mother’s Day attributed to Brian Handwerk’s article in National Geographic, 5/9/14.

Napa, You Smell Like Chicago

Have you ever wondered what you smell like to someone else? Someone you know very well. I know….what an odd question. But is it?

Nearing the end of our recent extended visit with our granddaughters in California, Smirker (now 6) jumped into my arms gave me a huge hug and said without hesitation - 

“You smell like Chicago.”

While I don’t live in the city of Chicago, it is close enough that when Smirker and Love Monster come for a visit, that is where they say they are going. So to them, Chicago is where we live.

My mind raced back and forth between a variety of both unpleasant and wonderful smells that remind me of Chicago. There is the stink of the Chicago River in the heat of the summer sun. Whew, not so good, Smirker. Ah, but then there is the distinctive breeze off Lake Michigan - part fog, part fish and part wind. I love standing at the end of Navy Pier, mesmerized by the living lake, the passing sail boats and tourist ships, the long breakwater and the lighthouse standing at it’s gate. And then again there is the Lincoln Park Zoo - pungent, certainly not fragrant, but an aromatic invitation to explore the wonders of the wider world. Really, Smirker, I smell like Chicago? Is that what you smell when I am around? Then I think of the sweet aroma as we pass the corner where Garrett’s Popcorn Store commands a line out the door. An invitation to sample this savory fare. But then again, there is the constant flow of traffic - trains, cars, motorcycles, buses and trucks spewing their emissions as they carry us through the city. Oh, but then there is the indescribable fragrance, if the wind is blowing in just the right direction in the early morning hours, coming from the Bloomer Chocolate factory.  Hmmmm, there are no words. And the neighborhoods, an amalgam of odors from ethnic restaurants, dry cleaners, florists, bakeries, taverns, laundromats and, of course, the people from all cultures. 

So what in the world does Chicago smell like to Smirker, knowing they really don’t spend much time in the city? And how does she connect me with those olfactory senses? 

I smell like Chicago. (Admittedly, one of the things that popped into my mind when she said this was the title of the Nirvana song, “Smells Like Teen Spirit”! That must say something about me but we won’t go there.)

In the end it’s very obvious that to Smirker and Love Monster, I smell like our home, where they come to visit. Their home away from home. It must have a very distinctive smell like all homes do. I remember one of my brothers saying, after a long absence from our family home, “it smells like home!” He felt at home. To him it was contentment, familiarity, intimacy. 

Do you notice how a home has a unique/particular smell? A Fingerprint, only with an odor. Scientists have confirmed this. There are a lot of places for an odor to hide - couch, carpet, pillows, drapes. They all capture smells. Smells that remind you of the past - they can make you relax and, in some cases, they make people depressed, which is so sad for a home to have this imprint on someone. 

What does a home smell like? It’s hard to put your finger on it but it’s a combination of scents. I think of the house I grew up in and the sensory associations I have with it:

• Mom’s perfume and hairspray
• Dad’s after shave, coffee
• Books - old and new
• Fireplace ashes and smoke embedded in the wallpaper
• Old furniture, carrying the remnants of family, friends and visitors. 
• Food - undertones of cooking, baked goods - family recipes lingering in the curtains, fabric of the furniture - tuna noodle casserole, roast beef, mashed potatoes, meat loaf, coffee, sugar cookies and on and on. 
• Cleaning supplies and detergent
• Piano keys and sheet music
• Carpet - from years of traffic made a part of the carpet nap
• Animals/pets

The smells of life - our family’s life. The linger to this day even as we are no longer physically in that house. 

There is an emotional connection with the smells of a home. Smirker definitely knows this even at such a young age. Her sister, Love Monster (9) also made this connection. Last year we were in the basement after the tornado sirens sounded during a bad storm. We called our daughter and the girls to let them know. Love Monster told her mom after we called that, “I am worried sick! Their house is my favorite place in the world  and I don’t want it to get destroyed and they will be poor”! She was reassured that we were fine. (I like the part that she was also concerned we would end up poor. But that’s Love Monster.) But I also like that our house is her favorite place in the whole world. What grandparent wouldn’t love to hear this.